what the...?

i dont know what/how/who/when to feel about chelsea. its such a weird thing. i've never been so attracted to someone both physically and mentally. she is almost perfect, just a few things wrong;1. she doesnt appreciate herself enough. 2. she has a boyfriend3. her parents (i only know what she tells me, i have nothing against her folks myself)4. her schedulethe boyfriend thing is the big one. the rest i can deal with and/or try to help with. i really dont think its ever going to happen. i made her upset tonight. i always feel...off my game, when i'm talking to her. i can never be smoothe around her. i feel like a 12 year old boy asking his first girl on a date or something. i told her about my new york idea...she thought it was a good idea. i was hoping she wouldnt want me to go, but as it seems i'm not as big in her thoughts as she is in mine. which i understand, but i can still be disappointed. i used to be good with girls. i was never sure why, but i was. now, i've been single for 3 months and i havent had a single date yet. i've ALMOST had a few dates, but i am the KING of getting ditched. it sucks.

greatest city in the world?

the more and more i think about moving to new york, the better it sounds. to be honest, i'm scared of such a huge city, but i think i could get used to it. i dont even know really HOW i would do it. i told alicia i want to come live with her and rent out her spare, but i dont think that could really happen. though, i must say it would be about perfect for me. haha. though, if i DO move i'd still want her to get me a job where she works. there is just so much here i dont wanna be around, but at the same time, there is so much i want to stay for. a friend of mine, krysten, told me i shouldnt go. so i asked her "give me one good reason why i shouldnt" and she couldnt do it. and frankly, i cant come up with one myself. i cant think of reasons that i would stay, but none of those things are in effect now, so they dont apply.

a beginning..

as it seems recently i've just been able to write longer e-mails. yet i cant write in here. i dont know if its because i have prompting in the e-mails, or if i'm just a bit scared to look dumb here. actually there is only one person i've been able to talk to in e-mails lately, someone who i've never met in the real. but she seems to be a kindred spirit, she seems to be more like me than anyone i've ever met, so she understands a lot of what i have to say. also, we have a common friend that we usually talk about, so subject matter is there a lot. i think it may be because i sometimes try to be different things to different people. scratch that. i try not to let certain people in on some parts of my life, so when i talk to them, i end up leaving a lot out. i've never had someone that i didnt at least keep some part of myself from them. people usually see me as an open book, someone who wears his heart on his sleeve. and i guess that is kinda true. or maybe i'm just fooling them...and fooling myself.